Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
