I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Found the puke drawer
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Randomize
