Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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