wanna go halves on a baby?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
