You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
