Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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