allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Randomize
