I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
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I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
We have so much sex to catch up on
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
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she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
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