i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
