dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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