New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
