I murdered the dance floor call the cops
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
