You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
