after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
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To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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