Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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