Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
