I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
