he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
