I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
