I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
