yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
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Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
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You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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