My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
