I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
