So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
