She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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