ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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