She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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