I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
