Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
