i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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