I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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