I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
