all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
