Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
We need to get me chipped asap
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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