Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
