what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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