i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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