Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
