Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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