He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
