forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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