Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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