That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
