My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Randomize
