he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
