Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
