Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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