I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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