I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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