There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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