There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
