I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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