mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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