I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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