dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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