i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
barbara walters just said penis...
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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