the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
So vagazzling was a success
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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