my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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