Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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