I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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