I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
