Your dad touched me again.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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