New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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