your thong is hanging out like whoa
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
